One of the most interesting conversations I had at UKREiiF didn’t happen during the fishbowl discussion of the WIA+WIP panel discussion: Saying the Wrong Thing. It happened afterwards. The person next to me turned to me and stated:
“Why is everyone so worried about saying the wrong thing?!”
We had just spent ninety minutes discussing equity, inclusion, belonging, bias and leadership. There had been differing opinions, points of tension and moments of agreement.
But her question stayed with me.
Before the discussion, Women in Architecture UK had asked LinkedIn:
“When talking about gender, do you ever choose to stay silent because you’re worried about saying something that might unintentionally cause offence?”
Whilst 55% said no, 45% said yes.
Almost half.
That doesn’t strike me as a group of people who don’t care. It strikes me as a group of people who aren’t quite sure how to participate.
Lee Chambers, CEO of Male Allies UK, shared another statistic that caught my attention: 41% of men believe EDI has gone too far.
Whether we agree with that view or not, there are people who feel uncertain, frustrated, blamed, cautious, or simply unsure where they fit within the conversation.
The Cost of Getting It Wrong
Part of this is human. We are wired to belong. Most of us want to be accepted by the groups we are part of. We want to be seen as decent people. Fair-minded people. Good colleagues.
So when the perceived cost of getting something wrong feels high, socially, professionally or reputationally, the response is often predictable.
We become cautious. We soften what we really think. Or we stay silent altogether.
During the discussion, there were references to people feeling that “words are being weaponised” and that “you can’t say anything anymore”.
At the same time, others argued for greater awareness, care and accountability in how we communicate.
Both observations are worth paying attention to. Because I don’t think the issue is simply language. I think it's capability.
The Part We Don’t Talk About
One of the most useful ideas I come back to in my work on feedback is this:
The quality of feedback we receive is only as good as our capacity to receive it.
Danna Walker spoke about increasing our capacity for feedback and focusing on impact, behaviour and language rather than the individual.
It sounds straightforward. In practice, it’s where many conversations begin to break down. Particularly when feedback touches on identity.
Most of us carry a fairly fixed idea of who we are. We know what it means, in our own minds, to be fair, respectful and professional. So when somebody points out a bias, a blind spot, or the unintended impact of something we’ve said, it doesn’t always arrive as neutral information.
It can feel like a judgement.
We defend. We explain. We justify. Or we quietly disengage.
There is another layer to this.
What happens when our idea of who we are starts getting in the way of seeing who we actually are? If we can't let that version of ourselves be questioned, it becomes very difficult to learn anything new.
Where Leadership Matters
There was also discussion about giving people a voice. Helping younger professionals build confidence. Creating opportunities to contribute. Encouraging participation. All important.
But leadership has a role beyond encouraging people to speak. Leaders shape the conditions in which conversations happen. There is often an assumption that open cultures naturally create challenge.
In reality, most teams default to maintaining harmony. They avoid saying the thing that might create friction.
They keep conversations at a level where everyone can comfortably agree. It looks collaborative. It isn’t always productive.
In my work on productive conflict, the goal isn’t more conflict. It’s better use of disagreement.
That means making assumptions visible. Inviting alternative viewpoints. Creating environments where challenge isn’t mistaken for disloyalty. And perhaps most importantly, it means leaders modelling what happens when they get something wrong.
Because if the expectation is perfection, people will continue to hold back.
Are We Building Capability?
What stayed with me from the session wasn’t any particular viewpoint. It was the sense that we are asking more of people than we are equipping them to handle.
The ability to receive feedback without becoming defensive. The awareness to recognise our own biases and impact. The willingness to stay in conversations that don’t resolve neatly. And the confidence to ask questions without fearing that a mistake will immediately define us.
These aren't specialist EDI skills.
They're human skills.
And increasingly, leadership skills.
Perhaps the question isn't whether people care enough to have these conversations. Perhaps it's whether we're helping them develop the skills to have them well.